I’m taking a moment of silence. Not because anyone has died or anything. But because I need it. I need to distance myself from everyone so that I can process it all. Romy and Ben are officially going out now. Unofficially, they’ve been going out since March, since her birthday. They just didn’t tell me. Because she was scared that I’d feel weird about it. To be honest, I don’t really know how I feel about it. I’m not sure I feel weird about it because there’s nothing weird about them being together. And I do feel happy for them. Especially for Ben because he really wanted this and he’s liked her for so long. And I definitely feel relieved. Because I haven’t been able to figure out what I wanted to do with them. What to do with my relationship with them. I’ve been trying to figure out whether I wanted to be selfish and keep them close to me, or push them away like I always do and let them abandon me like they always do. And what I was worried about was that I’d hurt their relationship if I ever decided to push them away. But that’s solved now. If I ever did decide to push them away, it probably wouldn’t change anything between them. And that makes me so relieved. But I also feel so very alone. Very very alone. And I don’t know why. The fact that they’re dating doesn’t change anything for the 3 if us since they hung out together without me all the time. Yet, it still makes me feel rejected somehow. And Like I said, very lonely. And apart from all that, km also stressed with school and work and money and the future and other friends and whether I feel like all of this is worth it at all. Because honestly, I don’t feel like it is. I don’t feel like I want to live. In fact, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to live. And I wish I were never born, that none of this ever happened. And so yes, I’m taking a moment of silence. For myself. Because I need it.
It’s that time of year again. It’s finally summer. School’s done. It’s heating up. Catching up with books and movies. Working to pay for nights out and summer shopping sprees. But that means I’m unoccupied. I have no excuse anymore, and neither do they, to not call, not text, not see. No excuse for abandonment. It’s the time to talk and confide, the time to ponder and doubt, the time to realize the truth, the time to get drunk and high, the time to make mistakes, the time to regret. It’s that time of year again.
Let’s just hope this summer isn’t like the last.
I totally know what you mean…
I’m in that phase where I’m just so pissed off and emotionally worn out that I just want to sit by myself and cry. But I can’t cause I have a crap load of stuff to do & other people that are relying on me… But I just don’t think I can do it all…
So it’s been a while. since i’ve written. i’ve been super busy. right after finals were done, i was working full time; everyday all day. and there were also all the holiday dinners and the new year. and then school started again. like i said. busy. but busy is good. busy keeps me going through the day. busy doesn’t leave me any time to cater to my thoughts. because that’s what brings me down a lot of the time. sure busy is tiring, but that’s also good. too tired to think. just keep on being busy and then crash onto the bed when the day is done. that’s exactly what i needed. especially during the holidays. because thoughts can be dangerous. holidays are an especially vulnerable time for me. it’s the loneliest time of all. this year, thankfully wasn’t as bad as usual. but still. it was a bad time for me. it’s been bad. for a while now. this past year was probably the worst year of my life. it beats out when i was 15, and that was a really bad year. but with the new year, i’ll try to do better. that’s what i promised myself. i promised myself that this year will be better. let’s hope it’s a promise i can keep.
there’s a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
from my haunted past comes the daunting task of living through memories
if we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all
will we get out of this little hell
will we get out of this little hell
dallas green aka city and colour
like he took the words right out of my soul
christina
ahahaha you’re the besttt! know i can count on you with boy troubles :P
i love my city <3 <3
Montréal, je t’aime.
In case you want to know why I love my city so freaking much. :)
Great video! Thanks DG Designs for sharing!
After having waited outside for 10 minutes, she walks into the coffee shop and slips into a corner booth. Shrugging off her jacket quietly, she looks at the door, waiting for him to show up. It’s not unlike him to be late, but still, she wonders why he isn’t here yet. She casually takes out her phone, not only to check the time, but also to not seem so lonely. 4:13. She decides to give him 5 more minutes before leaving. She looks around in the coffee shop. It’s not a particularly busy night. Two young men deep in conversation in the other corner. An older couple sitting across the coffee shop, the woman biting into her strawberry shortcake and the man sipping his coffee while attentively watching her with a tender smile. That’s not how he looks at me, she notices. Not anymore. She turns her attention elsewhere and tries not to think of him. Her eyes land on a guy sitting at the table next to hers, staring at the door. Unconsciously, she looks over at the door wondering if he’d finally arrived. Nope. Disappointed, she goes back to the guy, his laptop open in front of him with a Word document open to an empty page. He looks so deep in thought, it’s cute, she muses. He reminds her of Mr Tardy-Pants. The way he likes to open up his laptop late at night and just write. She wonders what this guy is thinking about and what he’s going to be writing about. Maybe it was an essay for school. Or a short story. It could be a letter to someone or just a little poem. He makes her so curious for some reason. He’s not particularly cute or interesting-looking, but still has somewhat of a presence. She’s grateful for the distraction. The guy finally looks down at his screen and starts typing. Of course, the screen is too far for her to be able to read what is written. She looks back down at her phone. 4:19. She sighs. Desperate, she decides to give him another 2 minutes. After that, she’s done. Or more like, it’s confirmed that he’s done. When did she get like this? How had he gotten so much power over her feelings? They hadn’t even really known each other for that long. They were in the same program and same classes for 2 years, but hadn’t spoken to each other in any significant way. That was probably due to his over-possessive girlfriend. She was nice, most of the time. And wow was she pretty. They made a cute couple. But it just didn’t work. Which led to him moving on to her. But it hasn’t lasted very long and already she can feel him slip away. She thinks that deep down inside, she always knew it would never lead to anything serious. But she had hoped and she still hopes that it would and it will. All her life, things have never really gone her way and she had hoped that it would this one time. She looks down at her phone for the last time. 4:23. No call, no text message. She sighs, feeling drained of energy. She puts her jacket back on and gets up. She grabs her bag and tucks her phone into her pocket. She walks slowly towards the door, opens it and glances over her shoulder back at her seat. She sees the guy still sitting in front of his laptop, this time completely wrapped in his writing. She smiles and leaves the coffee shop. She leaves behind everything about Him, never wanting to have anything to do with him ever again. But she will miss him. Very much. And for a very long time. And she will never know why.
